Ask Joan: NOT!

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I open my inbox, looking for just the right question for next month’s sex advice column. Instead, I find these:

  • “I’m looking for a woman in her 50s/60s, a down to earth, good-hearted woman who doesn’t play games and wants a real relationship. I’m 63, divorced, old school, easygoing guy with no drama. If you’re interested, please call or text me anytime. I would love to hear from you.”
  • “Hello, I am 89 almost 90. I am a vibrant, healthy, sexy woman without a man. I love foreplay and romance. I have been a widow for 15 years. I desperately need a man. If you know of any suitable widowers near my age in good health, I can send pictures.
  • “I am 77, still working at my construction business when not in lockdown. I am in a long-term relationship without sex. I would love the opportunity to meet on a casual and discreet basis an older lady who wanted sex. Could you please recommend someone or someway to get in touch with a sexy lady? Many thanks.”

These are real. Only the grammar and spelling have been cleaned up and the names and locations redacted. I’m happy that you’re sex-positive and wanting to mingle, but no. I’m a sex advice columnist, not a matchmaker.

If you’re not meeting people through your usual social activities, join one of the dating sites or apps — that’s where potential dates await. Post your profile and go through the throes of trying to find a compatible partner, whether you’re seeking a serious or casual relationship or a one-night stand.

For help getting started, view my “How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?” webinar.

Then there are the requests to arrange sex partners — no dates, no niceties, no relationship required, like these:

  • “Looking for someone in or around Somerville, Mass. to have sex with now.”
  • “I’m a 31-year-old man looking for sex. Any women, any age. I’d like to get paid but will f*** for free sometimes.”
  • “Want sex right now.”

Again no. I will not hook you up or try to match you with others hungry for sex. I do have advice, though: masturbate until you calm down, then cultivate what you have to offer a partner, not just what you want to get from them. If that’s too much trouble, sign up for one of the hookup apps and hope for the best.

If those are the questions I don’t want you to send me, what do I want instead?

I’ve been Senior Planet’s sex columnist for more than eight years. Each month, I answer either one detailed reader question or, occasionally, a flurry of “Quickies.” I get more questions than I can answer, so I choose carefully. I want to help the person who wrote in and others with similar issues, while educating readers at large. I want questions I haven’t answered before, yet not so far off the beaten path that others won’t be interested. Sometimes the concerns are repeated, but in a nuanced way. I want to use my skills as a sex educator to provide solid information and help you navigate your problem.

If you sent in a serious question and you wonder why it’s never been answered, it’s likely one of these reasons:

  • It’s too much like questions I’ve already answered, especially recently. How can you tell? Check the list of previous columns to see if some version of yours is there before submitting your question.
  • You don’t give me enough backstory to understand the problem. This happens often. Although I answer “Quickies” a few times a year, your best bet for getting accepted is to state the problem and provide enough background to make it clear to me — and interesting to our readers. I’ll want to know the story behind your question and how you’ve already tried to resolve the problem.
  • It’s medical in nature. I’m not a doctor, and it would be unhelpful as well as unethical to give you medical advice. If a health issue is interfering with your sexual function or pleasure, please seek out a medical professional who can diagnose and treat the problem. I know that’s difficult when not all doctors are age-positive and sex-positive or up to date with knowledge about sex and aging. My “Medical Mantra” will be helpful for getting the conversation started.
  • You’re under 60. This column is for and about people aged 60 and above. Sorry, but those are the rules.
  • You submitted a great question but didn’t respond to my follow-up. If I choose your question, I’ll email you directly with a few questions. Be sure to check your spam/junk folder in case my use of the “sex” word sends my email to spam jail.

I look forward to hearing from you with a question that I will want to answer! My inbox awaits you.

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.

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