Ask Joan: About Vibrators, Trust Issues and More

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Our Senior Planet “Sex at Our Age” column usually presents one detailed senior sex question and my detailed answer. But, like Stephen Colbert’s “Meanwhile” segment, sometimes — just sometimes — I mine your questions for short ones that can be answered in a pithy paragraph each. I call these “Quickies.”

Quickie #1: Cheated on, can’t trust women

I was cheated on by my wife, now ex-wife. I’m 64, divorced for almost 10 years. I love women, but I feel I cannot trust them, and I have a terror of dating. Honestly, I’ve never been loved by a woman. I’ve only truly been in love once, long ago, and it wasn’t with my ex. I’d like to experience really being loved before I cash in. But the damn trust thing. Any suggestions?

Joan responds:

If I’m understanding right, you and your ex-wife married despite not being in love. She cheated and you divorced a decade ago, and you’re still terrified of dating because you don’t feel you can trust women.

You can only resolve this by accepting that the trust problem is in you. You need to work with a therapist to deal with your issues of trust, betrayal, isolation, and fear of trying again. Please don’t wait any longer to get help. The love you seek can happen, but only when you’ve resolved these issues and can openly and lovingly give relationships a chance.

Quickie #2: Vibrator instead of pot?

I had a vulvectomy about a year ago. My oncologist/surgeon was able to leave the nerve bundles so I can still orgasm. When I have an edible or smoke some pot, my nerve bundles respond easily, and excitement follows. But I would prefer not to be stoned. Could a vibrator assist me to become stimulated? I have never used one, and this is a whole new world for me and my husband. Which one would you recommend?

Joan responds:

How fortunate that your vulvectomy [removal of all or part of the external female genitalia] left you able to orgasm. Absolutely a vibrator could help you. Try getting relaxed and warmed up with less cannabis than usual. Then add a vibrator to get to the finish. Once your body gets used to vibrator stimulation, you can further decrease or eliminate the marijuana if you wish.

As for the “one” vibrator that I’d recommend, there are many great ones. The one that’s best for you depends on what you need, where you need to feel it, how intense, and many other factors. Read my “Vibrators for Seniors – especially for first-timers” and “How to Choose a Vibrator” to help you figure out what you need, with links to my sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Welcome to the wonders of vibrators!

Quickie #3: Love to give oral sex, not receive it

I am a 53-year-old man. For most my life, I’ve been sexually attracted to older woman. My last lover was 27 years older, and we were together for several years. Giving oral pleasure is what lights my fire during sex. My issue is that I’m not invested in receiving oral, just giving it. Is this okay? Or should I seek a sex therapist?

Joan responds:

I’m not sure how the age of your lovers relates to your question, except that I imagine many older women smiling at the idea of a younger lover whose favorite sex act is cunnilingus. (No, ladies, I cannot put you in contact with this man, don’t ask.) There’s nothing wrong with loving to give oral without caring to receive it. We all have our favorite ways to pleasure a partner and to receive pleasure, and they may or may not be the same.

I see nothing wrong here, as long as both you and your partner enjoy the experience. Sex therapists have the knowledge, skills, and experience to help us understand and resolve sexual issues. I highly recommend them. That said, if you’re just wondering if it’s okay to choose to give oral without receiving it – yes. (Wanting to receive oral sex while not being willing to give it – that’s not okay.)

Quickie #4: How to speed up orgasm?

It takes so long to reach orgasm, and sometimes it doesn’t happen. What can I do?

Joan responds:

I’ve answered this so often that I’ve prepared two resources for all of you with this question. Watch my 4-1/2-minute video, “Orgasms Take Forever.” Then read “How Can I Reach Orgasm More Easily.”

Quickie #5: Masturbating too much?

Giving yourself sexual pleasure is good for your physical and emotional health

Is it normal to masturbate one or two times a day? Why do I find it more enjoyable to masturbate in my sixties than when I was younger?

Joan responds:

Sure, it’s normal to masturbate twice a day, or twice a week, or twice a month — whatever your body requests and enjoys. It’s only a problem if it interferes with your relationship or daily life, or you do it in inappropriate places. I can’t know why you enjoy it more now than when you were younger, but hallelujah! Giving yourself sexual pleasure is good for your physical and emotional health. Enjoying it more as you age is a bonus.

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.

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