Summer Travels: Applying Lessons from Die With Zero
Sometimes books, movies, songs, and other art forms are instant classics that resonate with people. Other times, things resonate for different reasons. They catch your attention at a time and place that feels custom-made for you. The latter was the case for me with the book Die With Zero.
I read Die With Zero while I was helping care for my mom when she was receiving hospice care in my parents’ home. I specifically remember reading the book on the couch late into the night after I convinced my dad to go to bed and get some rest by promising to keep vigil with my mom.
In my review of Die With Zero, I highlighted two key concepts from the book that particularly resonated with me. One of them, time bucketing, I got intuitively. The other, being more intentional with gifting, is a concept I wish I would have appreciated sooner.
Today, I want to review those lessons and share how they’ve been guiding how I have been spending my summer.
Time Bucketing
Time bucketing is a play on the concept of a “bucket list” that most of us are familiar with. People dream of doing these things before “kicking the bucket” proverbially.
Perkins encourages readers to reconsider this idea and be much more intentional with how we approach it.
- Don’t wait until you are nearing the end of your life to make your list. Start now.
- “Bucket” your experiences into times when they will be possible and most rewarding and enjoyable. Then figure out how to make those experiences happen when it makes the most sense to do them.
He points out that there are certain experiences, like spending time with your young children, participating in adventure sports, or backpacking and staying in hostels you are unlikely to, or certainly not if kids are involved, be able to do later in life.
Seasons of life end. Windows close.
Other activities like luxury travel, cruises, or reading classic books can be done, and may even be more desirable, later in life.
As you make your own “bucket list,” consider what is most likely to be the optimal time to pursue each activity. Then act accordingly.
Reconsidering Gifting
In personal finance circles, estate planning is a common topic. Do you have a will? Where do you want your money and other possessions to go after you die? Less attention is given to gifting your money and possessions while you are alive.
Gifting during your lifetime enables you to appreciate the impact your gifts have. You can enjoy the act of giving.
You can also give gifts at times that make sense and have maximal impact on recipients, rather than having them receive an inheritance at your death when the recipient may not need, or maybe not even be able to enjoy the gift.
Even less attention is given to being a gracious recipient of gifts. In my review of Die With Zero, I discussed how I regretted, with one big exception, pushing off conversations my parents tried to have years earlier about gifting to me and my family.
This was partially selfless. I wanted my parents to use their money to meet their needs and do everything they wanted.
This was partially selfish. My pride got in the way. I didn’t want to deal with the reality of the inevitable deaths of my loved ones.
Whatever the reasons, I pushed these conversations off. I couldn’t help but read that book and look over at my mom in her final days with regret.
Opportunities were missed to have experiences and create memories. There was no going back.
The Making of a Road Trip
Against that backdrop, my daughter and I talked with my dad on FaceTime over breakfast one morning this spring. My dad and I made small talk for a few minutes after I sent my daughter to get ready for school.
I mentioned that Kim and I were thinking about getting a second car. We downsized to one car a few years ago. While doable, it was inconvenient enough that we would start looking for a second vehicle.
My dad mentioned that if we didn’t live 2,000 miles away (a fact that he mentions often while encouraging us to move back closer to him) their well-maintained lightly driven car would fit our needs perfectly. He would be happy to give it to us.
He was right. But the fact is we do live 2,000 miles away. So I didn’t give the conversation much thought.
Apparently, he did. A few days later, he approached me with an idea.
He and my mom had talked for years about hopping in the car and doing a long road trip when they retired. Her health and the pandemic got in the way of this dream. He was going to drive out and bring us the car.
I told him I thought that was a terrible idea. He is 75 years old and would be alone in the car for at least a few days and thousands of miles.
Practicing What I Preach
But I could tell he was serious about wanting to do the trip. It was a bucket list item for him.
I immediately realized how impactful this could be for him right now. A little over one year after my mom passed, he continues to struggle with grief right now. After losing his wife of 50 years, every day is a struggle for him to deal with loneliness in a way he hopefully won’t in the future, but it is right now. At 75 years old, he may not have the health to do a trip like this in a couple of years, but he does right now.
Giving us the car, which had sentimental value to him, was more appealing than any economic value of selling it or trading it in. This was also clearly important to him.
The lessons I’d taken from Die With Zero the previous year immediately popped into my head. Without hesitation or thought (sorry Kim), I blurted out an idea. What if I flew to PA? He and I could do the road trip together.
His eyes lit up. Our road trip was on.
Trip Themes
A few themes guided me as I took the lead on trip planning. Each played out as we started across the country.
An Opportunity for Powerful Conversations
The breakfast conversation that sparked the idea for our trip is a near-daily occurrence. We talk most mornings via FaceTime while eating breakfast together.
Technology is amazing! You can not only speak with but see the other person. Aside from the initial purchase of a device and the cost of a stable internet connection, the technology is unlimited and free.
As amazing as this is, it is not the same as physically being with a person. Our trip provided an opportunity for long, deep in-person conversations.
Dealing With Grief
The primary focus of retirement planning is answering one question: Do you have enough money?
Retirement calculators define running out of money in retirement as a “failure.” The other side of that dichotomy is defining having money at the end of life as “success.”
Related: Defining Retirement Success and Failure
Living a long life does create financial risk. It is prudent to plan for this risk.
But planning is more complex than this. We don’t spend nearly enough time thinking about retirement being too short. For couples, there is another risk of one person living a long time after losing a partner.
You can model the financial implications of this scenario. Before my mom’s passing, I hadn’t fully appreciated the emotional side of losing your life partner.
This trip gave my dad and me time to discuss that emotional side. I anticipated he would struggle on landmark dates: birthdays, wedding anniversaries, etc. Our conversations opened up my eyes to everyday challenges.
Even with a great support system, he comes home to an empty house he’s not accustomed to. Activities like traveling and dining out don’t necessarily get half as expensive because you’re only paying for one instead of two. Our conversations helped me understand that the idea of doing these activities alone made them lose their appeal.
Many households divide and conquer chores. Losing a spouse means having to do things you’ve never done. Our conversations helped me understand how hard it can be to take on novel roles and learn new skills in retirement.
Related: Financial Decisions After the Death of Your Spouse
I’m not sure I helped my dad figure anything out. I think he appreciated me taking time away from my family. I know I’ll forever be grateful for having the time and choosing to spend it having these conversations with him.
More Conversations About Time Bucketing
Our time in the car provided time for me to talk to my dad about the idea of time bucketing. I shared how proud I am of all he’s done since my mom’s passing.
While working through his grief, he traveled across the country by himself to visit my family a few times, resumed volunteer work with his church and as a CASA, participated in grief support groups, and stayed active playing golf and going to the gym.
While appreciating his need to grieve and do things at his own pace, I tried to help him appreciate other time-sensitive activities. He is 75 years old and in great health now.
Topics we discussed included:
- Downsizing his home. He is physically and financially capable of maintaining and enjoying his house. Emotionally, he isn’t ready to give it up yet. Last winter, I went with him to tour a retirement community. We discussed the potential benefits of moving sooner rather than later. The benefits of community vs. living alone may never be more beneficial than right now.
- Travel. My parents were planning trips to Croatia and Ireland. Both had to be canceled. My dad always talked about wanting to travel in retirement. While I understand how hard that is right now, there is no guarantee how long it will remain possible.
- Finding a new companion. I was sad to lose my mom but also relieved to see her suffering end. The harder part for me is seeing my dad struggle with his grief and loneliness. Our trip gave me a chance to express that and express my desire to see him find a new companion if he so chooses.
More Conversations About Giving
Our trip also provided time to revisit the idea of gifting with my dad. It is just him now. He has a decade of retirement behind him and a larger portfolio due to a decade of outstanding returns.
I’m still uncomfortable with the idea of receiving monetary gifts that I don’t particularly need. However, our conversation about time bucketing while enjoying our road trip together opened up other conversations about ways he could spend his money.
We talked about how much we all enjoyed a Disney cruise he and my mom took my family on when my daughter was young. We discussed doing more trips together while also taking advantage of this roadtrip to splurge on some fun experiences and conveniences we otherwise wouldn’t have.
I also encouraged him to talk to my brother, or maybe other friends or family, about paying their expenses while traveling with him. This would enable him to fulfill some of his travel dreams and desires, provide him companionship rather than going it alone, and allow him to appreciate seeing the impacts of his spending on others vs. leaving money after he is gone.
No formal plans are in place. This is a conversation we’re both excited to continue.
Strengthening Connections
I recently shared an interview with Walter Green on Peter Attia’s podcast on the blog. In it, they discussed Green’s Say It Now program and Green’s travels to reconnect with people who were influential in his life.
I also sent the podcast to my dad. He loved the conversation so much that he listened a few times.
While we didn’t try to model exactly what Green did, we did discuss using the road trip as an opportunity to reconnect with people we would like to see and otherwise don’t get to spend much time with.
We spent the first night of the trip near Cleveland with my dad’s cousin and his wife who graciously hosted us at their beautiful home. We ended our second day on the opposite side of Ohio, where we met my cousin’s son for dinner.
From there we met up with my friend Jordan Grumet, host of the Earn & Invest podcast and author of the book Taking Stock. He was one of my first “blogging friends.”
Jordan is also a hospice doctor who was incredibly gracious with his time, helping me navigate the hospice experience with my mom. Our friendship grew and I’ll forever be grateful to him for that time. It was great to have the chance to break bread with him, introduce him to my dad, and talk to him about his follow-up book coming out this January.
Finally, I met up with one of my Abundo colleagues, Olivia Lima, when we passed through her hometown of Sioux Falls, SD. One of the best parts of working with Abundo Wealth is being part of an amazing team of individuals. A downside is we’re spread across the country and don’t get to spend much time together in person. It was awesome to have the opportunity to share a meal and conversation with Olivia and her husband.
Fun and Adventure
The third theme of our trip was seeking fun and adventure along our route. I had the opportunity to take a cross-country adventure in a camper van with my family in 2021, but this was all new for my dad.
I planned our route to share some of my favorite places I’d been to while also creating some unique experiences neither of us would have otherwise had the opportunity to do.
Along the route, we spent our first afternoon at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and our second morning at the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Each was about 30 minutes on opposite sides of my dad’s cousin’s home.
We took in a baseball game at the iconic Wrigley Field in Chicago. As lifelong baseball fans, this was a highlight for both of us. We sat in the centerfield bleachers and were just a few rows from catching and throwing back a home run ball from the visiting team.
Our trip took us to three national parks: Badlands, Yellowstone, and Grand Teton. We spent an evening at Mt. Rushmore, the following morning at Crazyhorse Memorial, and drove and hiked through stunning Custer State Park.
We also made an unexpected but fascinating stop at the Minuteman Missile National Historic Site. In addition to our formal stops, the trip allowed us to take in stunning scenery throughout the Mountain West.
Two Take-Home Messages
As I reflect on our trip, I have two take-home messages. (Sorry, I’m a blogger, that’s what I do.☺️)
First, this is a personal finance blog. We discuss many financial topics, some of them quite technical. I love to write this type of post occasionally as a reminder that the only reason the finances matter is to enable better living out the personal part.
There is no prize for dying with the most toys or the largest bank account. Money is a tool to enable you to do what is important. Relationships are the most important thing in the world in my humble opinion. I am forever grateful for the opportunity I had to spend part of my summer having this experience with my dad.
Second, we should always strive to learn and improve. After blogging for over a decade, writing a book, appearing on countless podcasts, speaking at conferences, and obtaining a CFP designation, I am now frequently referred to as a personal finance expert. I bristle at this.
I started blogging to chronicle my journey to and through financial independence. It’s true, I know a lot more now than I did when I started.
But we’re all constantly learning and growing. The lessons I wrote about just over a year ago were the impetus for this awesome experience I got to share with my dad.
I’m eager to continue to learn and grow and see where my path goes. And I’m grateful for all of you following along while you grow, learn, and blaze your own paths.
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[Chris Mamula used principles of traditional retirement planning, combined with creative lifestyle design, to retire from a career as a physical therapist at age 41. After poor experiences with the financial industry early in his professional life, he educated himself on investing and tax planning. After achieving financial independence, Chris began writing about wealth building, DIY investing, financial planning, early retirement, and lifestyle design at Can I Retire Yet? He is also the primary author of the book Choose FI: Your Blueprint to Financial Independence. Chris also does financial planning with individuals and couples at Abundo Wealth, a low-cost, advice-only financial planning firm with the mission of making quality financial advice available to populations for whom it was previously inaccessible. Chris has been featured on MarketWatch, Morningstar, U.S. News & World Report, and Business Insider. He has spoken at events including the Bogleheads and the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants annual conferences. Blog inquiries can be sent to chris@caniretireyet.com. Financial planning inquiries can be sent to chris@abundowealth.com]
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